Self Acceptance or the Drive to Improve?
On the one hand, we know it’s a good idea to accept yourself for who and what you are….imperfections and all! But on the other hand, isn’t it a great idea to set goals and never rest until your good becomes better and your “better” becomes BEST!!??
Is there conflict for you in these two seemingly different paradigms?
For many there is…. and one of the main subconscious reasons for setting up camp in the valley of mediocrity (and staying as far as possibly from the super-achievers) is that we get to protect our egos from inevitable setbacks and “failures”. And of course on the developmental path…we’re not going to hit the mark every time. Our ego tells us to STOP, because it just couldn’t take it if we signed up with a new fitness trainer and only lost 10 inches instead of 20 or got into a new relationship only to be dumped! Or what if we took that new personal development book our friend loaned us, but didn’t have time to read it or what if we did, but it didn’t change anything???
Wow…now we’re worrying about the possibility of failure and loss IN ADVANCE! We’re not jumping on the personal development path because of fear of failure! We don’t participate because we’ve seen the High’s and Low’s of those personal development junkies and our subconscious keeps telling us “What goes up, must come down!”
Steve Pavlina gives us another look at why some can’t seem to set foot on ‘the path”.
“The underlying problem is that by rooting your sense of self in something that will fluctuate, like the current position of any measurable part of your life, you’re going to suffer in one way or another. Either you’ll push yourself to achieve, achieve, achieve, and then suffer emotionally when things take a turn for the worse, or you’ll become attached to outcomes to an unhealthy degree, such that you may sacrifice your ethics to maintain your position. Or you’ll settle for much less than you’re capable of achieving and probably give yourself regular beatings for being too lazy and for over-procrastinating – you’ll always be haunted by the knowledge that you could be doing better. Or lastly you may decide to withdraw from society in order to escape/transcend this whole punishing process; but still your contribution is far below your potential.”Sigh…..sounds like personal growth is an emotional roller-coaster…a win-lose, right?
Wrong! There’s a different paradigm out there that we need to not only think about, but implement it into our very core! Instead of anchoring our sense of self to our successes and failures (which can change daily) we anchor them to something more permanent and unchangeable….such as a principle (a true north principle is what Covey would call it) or a pure concept. We simply (although that is just a figure of speech) detach our ego from our outcomes and instead attach to something MUCH BIGGER . I’m talking about things like Our Faith in God, Compassion, Serving Mankind etc.
Yeah, it’s not easy to do, but imagine being able to accept yourself for who you currently are while still seeking personal improvement because you’re not attached to outcome! What if you embraced the journey, but didn’t make it part of your identity!
So as an example….I may be having a kick butt week! I’m speaking at 2 women’s conferences with hundreds in attendance, I have my workshops full with a waiting list. I’ve gotten 10 emails saying how life-changing my programs are etc. So my ego is smiling! But if I let my ego and identity get too wrapped up in these external outcomes….I’m absolutely setting myself up for failure. Because what about next week??? (Maybe no speaking engagements, no new clients, and no emails) Instead of attaching myself to these external ego-building rewards, I’m trying to attach myself to permanent concepts like “Changing Lives”!
Love the concept, but not sure how to do it?
Here’s a couple of tools that will help you tremendously. Meditation/prayer & journaling. I’m not going to go into any depth on the topics here, but hopefully you can see that mediating or praying about the Principle of “Changing Lives” instead of “What am I doing wrong? Why didn’t I get a speaking engagement this week?” is much more empowering. Focusing on the Bigger Picture instead of the smaller ego and asking the RIGHT questions creates a HUGE shift in both energy and personal power.
Journal writing is also a great tool for seeing where your ego is showing up and where principles have center stage. Writing is a way to bring awareness into your thoughts and daily life. By personally using these two tools, I have begun to see personal strides in my own personal development. I have been able to start closing that gap between self-acceptance and my desire to improve (and to have inner peace at the same time!) By not being as attached to my ego through outcome, I am able to truly focus on what matters most. It keeps me more balanced in accepting myself for where I am in this moment but at the same time staying on that path of constant and never-ending personal growth.
How do you balance self-acceptance vs. the drive to grow and improve yourself?
I loved this article!! How important it is to remember that you can enjoy the journey without letting it becoem your identity. I loved that sentence! As someone who has taken on the opportunity of transforming her professional life it the last year, being grounded in a higher principle– a commitment to collaborative growth, integrity, and an educated, tolerant, and accepting community can serve as that “true north” and allow me to grow toward my ideal vision without having to measure every day as either a success or a failure.
Thanks so much for the reminder!
Thanks Michelle. You have the best way of saying things! I’ve always noticed that I say the rambly version and you succinctly hit the nail on the head with one powerful sentence!! It’s obviously by your energy & attitude that you live your True North
There are so many good points in this article! I find that often “fear of success” is an underlying blocker, keeping individuals from stepping on to their journey to success. Fears of, who they would become, would they be able to keep it up once they got what they wanted, how would others respond to their changes, and so forth. When fears are present, I highly recommend journaling to my clients as well. Getting worries and fears out of their head and on to paper helps them see them for what they “really” are and see what they have control over, what’s rational or not. Once this exercise is done, they can make a plan to resolve it and regain the personal power that fear was taking away.
I also highly recommend that individuals keep a daily success journal, acknowledging even the smallest progress or success. Too often, I see that self-acknowledgment (which builds confidence) doesn’t take place. But the danger in this is that when something less than desirable occurs it is then viewed as a failure, an “all or nothing” thinking is present. This lessens willingness and desire to stay to the path. Larger goals are made by smaller gains so you must celebrate them. And who is to say if you worked a plan but it didn’t happen the way you wanted it to, that you weren’t still successful. Simply assess, shift and keep going.
Great Blog Ann!
Rene….thanks for the contribution. You definitely know what you’re talking about and I appreciate the “back me up”
A love the idea of a success journal. I do it occasionally, but I was just thinking that if I had a list (of positive accomplishments) that I just kept adding to it would be nice to look at then I really needed a “postive review”!